Fucking hell. I really fancy this. Being in care. We sorta train on end of life. But nothing like this. This sounds fantastic. When I started in this field. It was alien to me I was a cut throat sales person fuelled by greed anger money driven psycho and 4 months outa rehab and getting sober no job someone suggested I go into care work. I'd never cared for anyone but myself. So 8 months sober i went for and interview shitting myself thinking of ways I could big myself up. Went to a cafe had a tea said a prayer in the toilet. Got to the interview. 5 minutes in get asked why do you want this job. It's low pay long hours totally opposite to what you have done. Words came out that I've never said. "I just wanna help people" that was the end of the interview. 11 years later I'm still there. I'm definitely gonna look into this. For the reasons you say about the people you meet. It's so fucking unusual to meet selfless individuals. Stick with them and you become like them. Spiritually fit. Not spiritually bankrupt. This is a great post ☯️🕉️
Yep. I totally get why you've spent a decade doing care work. It's incredibly rewarding. Everyone I've met has been unbelievably selfless without acting like martyrs or saviors. They've really restored my faith in humanity. XX
just learning about the logistics is overwhelming. I can't imagine how hard it is for people who are mourning to have to figure that shit out without guidance/support.
I can only imagine from the estate planning/probate lawyer to the hospice to the what do they want to do with their body etc etc. You must have a lot of empathy and inner strength to deal with this and I am sure it is lucrative. Again, keep us posted and if it doesn't feel right you'll know.
Thank you so much for writing and sharing this. It had me in tears. Still does thinking about. As I may have shared or possibly hinted at, my father passed almost two years ago now, and we were left with nothing. We had zero guidance as he did not leave a Will or any directive(s). Nothing. So we were left on our own to navigate the whole ordeal: financially, logistically, and most importantly, emotionally.
We're still sorting through little things here & there that still pop up, but we could've greatly appreciated the support of a death doula at the onset leading up to and after my father's passing. It sounds like you'll make a great death doula as it's evident in your self-awareness & your grasp on what it's needed & your ability to handle your feelings and emotions and self.
Ooof. Thank you for sharing your experience. You've mentioned before that your dad died a couple years ago but without any details. Unfortunately, what you experienced is the "norm," nowadays. It's so stressful and overwhelming--mentally, physically, and emotionally. People really avoid thinking about their loved one's forthcoming deaths, as well as their own. I get why it's an anxiety-inducing subject but really leaning into advance planning makes it a lot less stressful in the long run. Also, once you get into it, you realize it isn't as scary as you think. It actually brings clarity and makes you feel better to get the decisions down on paper. There are a lot of choices you can make for yourself that you don't realize. Not all of us will be lucky enough to experience our "ideal" deaths, but we can at least let it be known what our wishes are. It takes a lot of weight off of your loved ones, too. XX
I love the sound of this, and really admire your exploration into this new role - it sounds fascinating. I held both of my parents through their dying process a few years ago, having no experience of ‘how to die’, but just knew I needed to be there with them in those final weeks, days, hours and minutes. It was profound and humbling, I felt honored to be part of their journey onwards. Would love to explore something similar myself as I learnt so much from the process - and understood more about what I would want for my own death and the part that others might play in it. Thank you for writing so openly and creatively around a subject that to most can seem morbid and fearful, yet is so natural and deeply human.
It's fascinating (and moving) to hear about the journey you're embarking on, Carré. If you don't mind my saying, it strikes me as a path more related to music than not, if music is an entity beyond language, full of emotion, and something that transcends time and space…but possibly for another convo.
Death can be beautiful and selfless (at least from my perspective among the living). I won't get into it, but a recent experience saying goodbye to a family member over Zoom (thankfully not Facebook) was… different to say the least. While I see tremendous value in the multiple roles of death doulas, this peculiar experience, combined with your rather timely post, has made me realize how uniquely modern goodbyes like this could greatly benefit from a guiding and empathetic presence such as yours.
It is so inspiring regardless of the subject of death. I read your post and I am feeling “soothed” and love the stoic approach to end of life. I’m very envious of you finding a new calling, and a meaningful one! Thanks Carré
I recently met a local death doula. She was about as grounded and as far away from woo-woo as is possible. Bianca loves her job and finds it very rewarding. As we talked, I could tell how good she was at listening, although very confident and forward. She was about to take my partner to a women's leadership forum for emergency volunteers, so the good vibes were buzzing.
That you both want to do this and enjoy it means that you give a shit Carre. Which is more than most people...
The way you describe yourself, you sound like exactly the type of person someone would want around. Someone who can approach a death event rather unemotionally at a time when everyone else will be hyper emotional, focus on what the dying wants and needs, make sure what needs to get done gets done when the others will be clouded by grief, and generally act as a conductor. I've known people who felt they had to be stoic and take care of everything so the other family members could grieve and give in to those emotions when a parent died. But if they had had someone like you attending to things, that would have freed them up to be able to grieve as well rather than feel they needed to put everyone else's emotions before their own.
Congrats on finding something else that inspires you that much, inspiration like that doesn't come along very often.
Saving this one to read a little later because my dad is sick (doing okay-ish but not great) and I couldn’t make it through the first few paragraphs before I started crying. What a concept. I honestly had no idea it existed until you mentioned it a few posts ago.
Very much interested in hearing more about this path. Lots of thoughts but mostly tearing up so … 💛
You’re going to be an amazing death doula and what you do for and with people will enrich your own life as well as theirs. And this is so beautifully written!
I love hearing that you’re inspired and reading your beautiful, hopeful words on finding this calling. I’ve hung out with both you and Erykah Badu and as big a fan of hers as I am, I’d prefer to hold your hand at the end. Love you.
Fucking hell. I really fancy this. Being in care. We sorta train on end of life. But nothing like this. This sounds fantastic. When I started in this field. It was alien to me I was a cut throat sales person fuelled by greed anger money driven psycho and 4 months outa rehab and getting sober no job someone suggested I go into care work. I'd never cared for anyone but myself. So 8 months sober i went for and interview shitting myself thinking of ways I could big myself up. Went to a cafe had a tea said a prayer in the toilet. Got to the interview. 5 minutes in get asked why do you want this job. It's low pay long hours totally opposite to what you have done. Words came out that I've never said. "I just wanna help people" that was the end of the interview. 11 years later I'm still there. I'm definitely gonna look into this. For the reasons you say about the people you meet. It's so fucking unusual to meet selfless individuals. Stick with them and you become like them. Spiritually fit. Not spiritually bankrupt. This is a great post ☯️🕉️
Yep. I totally get why you've spent a decade doing care work. It's incredibly rewarding. Everyone I've met has been unbelievably selfless without acting like martyrs or saviors. They've really restored my faith in humanity. XX
It does sound strange but having someone handling the logistics so loved ones don't have to sounds ideal. Let us know how it goes.
just learning about the logistics is overwhelming. I can't imagine how hard it is for people who are mourning to have to figure that shit out without guidance/support.
I can only imagine from the estate planning/probate lawyer to the hospice to the what do they want to do with their body etc etc. You must have a lot of empathy and inner strength to deal with this and I am sure it is lucrative. Again, keep us posted and if it doesn't feel right you'll know.
Thank you so much for writing and sharing this. It had me in tears. Still does thinking about. As I may have shared or possibly hinted at, my father passed almost two years ago now, and we were left with nothing. We had zero guidance as he did not leave a Will or any directive(s). Nothing. So we were left on our own to navigate the whole ordeal: financially, logistically, and most importantly, emotionally.
We're still sorting through little things here & there that still pop up, but we could've greatly appreciated the support of a death doula at the onset leading up to and after my father's passing. It sounds like you'll make a great death doula as it's evident in your self-awareness & your grasp on what it's needed & your ability to handle your feelings and emotions and self.
Ooof. Thank you for sharing your experience. You've mentioned before that your dad died a couple years ago but without any details. Unfortunately, what you experienced is the "norm," nowadays. It's so stressful and overwhelming--mentally, physically, and emotionally. People really avoid thinking about their loved one's forthcoming deaths, as well as their own. I get why it's an anxiety-inducing subject but really leaning into advance planning makes it a lot less stressful in the long run. Also, once you get into it, you realize it isn't as scary as you think. It actually brings clarity and makes you feel better to get the decisions down on paper. There are a lot of choices you can make for yourself that you don't realize. Not all of us will be lucky enough to experience our "ideal" deaths, but we can at least let it be known what our wishes are. It takes a lot of weight off of your loved ones, too. XX
fucking fascinating
You had me at "gushing."
As usual, this was such a crazy salad of hilarious insight, poignant moments,
serious queries, and personal revelations.... I'm so eager to follow your
always courageous and unexpected journeys, Carre. And to think you're doing
this intense work while preparing for a tour and finishing an album!!
I love that all the really deep death doula work is being done in the UK -
where you just happened to land. Kismet!
More of this in the world please - thanks for your reflections!
I love the sound of this, and really admire your exploration into this new role - it sounds fascinating. I held both of my parents through their dying process a few years ago, having no experience of ‘how to die’, but just knew I needed to be there with them in those final weeks, days, hours and minutes. It was profound and humbling, I felt honored to be part of their journey onwards. Would love to explore something similar myself as I learnt so much from the process - and understood more about what I would want for my own death and the part that others might play in it. Thank you for writing so openly and creatively around a subject that to most can seem morbid and fearful, yet is so natural and deeply human.
It's fascinating (and moving) to hear about the journey you're embarking on, Carré. If you don't mind my saying, it strikes me as a path more related to music than not, if music is an entity beyond language, full of emotion, and something that transcends time and space…but possibly for another convo.
Death can be beautiful and selfless (at least from my perspective among the living). I won't get into it, but a recent experience saying goodbye to a family member over Zoom (thankfully not Facebook) was… different to say the least. While I see tremendous value in the multiple roles of death doulas, this peculiar experience, combined with your rather timely post, has made me realize how uniquely modern goodbyes like this could greatly benefit from a guiding and empathetic presence such as yours.
Wishing you the best!
It is so inspiring regardless of the subject of death. I read your post and I am feeling “soothed” and love the stoic approach to end of life. I’m very envious of you finding a new calling, and a meaningful one! Thanks Carré
I recently met a local death doula. She was about as grounded and as far away from woo-woo as is possible. Bianca loves her job and finds it very rewarding. As we talked, I could tell how good she was at listening, although very confident and forward. She was about to take my partner to a women's leadership forum for emergency volunteers, so the good vibes were buzzing.
That you both want to do this and enjoy it means that you give a shit Carre. Which is more than most people...
The way you describe yourself, you sound like exactly the type of person someone would want around. Someone who can approach a death event rather unemotionally at a time when everyone else will be hyper emotional, focus on what the dying wants and needs, make sure what needs to get done gets done when the others will be clouded by grief, and generally act as a conductor. I've known people who felt they had to be stoic and take care of everything so the other family members could grieve and give in to those emotions when a parent died. But if they had had someone like you attending to things, that would have freed them up to be able to grieve as well rather than feel they needed to put everyone else's emotions before their own.
Congrats on finding something else that inspires you that much, inspiration like that doesn't come along very often.
Saving this one to read a little later because my dad is sick (doing okay-ish but not great) and I couldn’t make it through the first few paragraphs before I started crying. What a concept. I honestly had no idea it existed until you mentioned it a few posts ago.
Very much interested in hearing more about this path. Lots of thoughts but mostly tearing up so … 💛
You’re going to be an amazing death doula and what you do for and with people will enrich your own life as well as theirs. And this is so beautifully written!
This is a beautiful article, Carre, thank you, also in tears. It sounds like you have found a niche.💕 You can do it!
I love hearing that you’re inspired and reading your beautiful, hopeful words on finding this calling. I’ve hung out with both you and Erykah Badu and as big a fan of hers as I am, I’d prefer to hold your hand at the end. Love you.
🥰
Cremation is bad for the environment? Seriously?!
I highly doubt it. It's really good for the Soul though, that's for sure.