Absolutely love these. I look forward to the next stage of the journey every week. I empathize with so much of this. I didn't have these exact experiences, of course, but those relationships consumed completely and utterly in narcissism and ego... men throwing their dicks around like there aren't a billion others out there... manipulating and degrading someone to fulfill their agenda... I'm so sorry you've gone through all this. And American Apparel (eye roll) - I'm amazed you made it through! And without a plethora of photos of yourself out there, too! What a win!
Fucking hell. There are so many FUCKS in this world. And this illusion of fame and fortune will fix the way you feel about yourself. Totally different industry but same thing. I was in finance and the FUCKS you speak about are there too. I remember being told by one company you gotta bleed yellow to get on here. Pushing you to achieve in the belief that money and material thingd will fill that black void inside. Cocaine and booze fule the industry. It's acceptable as long as you achieve. I saw people longing to get positions at these places and start on a Monday morning and leave the company by lunch because of the pressure. I tried and was successful in earning money to fill that dark black inner void of self loathing, not being good enough and trying to please everyone. Booze took me but still functioning and earning. The blackness got bigger. Nothing could fill the void. 24/7 drinking crashed burned. Lost it all. Best thing that ever happend. Deluded fuck that I was. Can't fix internal blackness with outside material things. Look inward or go without I was told. A stint in rehab and a deconstruction of my inner blackness to rebuild it into light and new ways. You are so good enough. I said that to you a couple of weeks ago. Do it for the right reasons. Take care.
Oh, Carre.... I always hated American Apparel because of its ads and the obvious exploitation of the very young girls featured. But your experience was so personal -- and awful. I'm sorry you went through all that, but the strength and determination you have is mind-blowing -- particularly at such a young and tender age. (I really love that photo of you at 19.) And... thank god you weren't "able" to become a drug addict. Angels on your shoulder...
You’re such a gifted writer. Thank you for sharing this and I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve dealt with on your journey. I’m anticipating potentially even heavier topics to come though I’m grateful you’re okay talking in this space.
I’m probably slightly older than you but I’ve admired you since the days you opened for NIN (we’re not all crazy, I promise) because you did - and do - what a lot of us girls at the time wished we had the guts to do. Make great art and share it with the world, play with amazing bands, and play your own shows and make great music. It’s interesting (probably not always in a good way) to see the cost associated with sharing that art.
Take care of yourself and looking forward to reading what comes next.
Wowowowow. Thanks for sticking with me for sooo many years. I know not all NIN fans are crazy. Some have been loyal to me since the beginning, and I feel incredibly grateful for them because they've provided me genuine support at my lowest and I think that shows a great deal of humanity and appreciation for artistry. I can't tell you how cool it is to now have you as a reader. Thank you.
Really relate to smiling without teeth, and how you've became "you", the artist and person you are IN SPITE OF others. I think there's a level of genuine-ness that comes from self development in that way as opposed to being nurtured by a large supporting community or family around you.
It fking sucks that you had to go through even a portion of the shit that you have, to get the creative results you have. But... Feel fking proud of your music and the impact it has on those that love it. It's rare.
I listen to your albums around as much as I listen to PJ and even though the music sounds different on the surface, it's pretty much as impactful.
To be told that you listen to my music and find it as impactful as PJ Harvey's is the greatest compliment. That alone feels like a huge accomplishment. Thank you.
I will definitely echo Emile about that being a “tough” read. I had no idea about any of that and sorry you, or anyone for that matter, had to go through it. Of course, I understand these were your choices and you admirably own them and do not sugar coat it or make excuses. Like all life experiences, they made you who you are today. A very important read and I thank you for sharing it with us. I hope this project of weekly posts is working for you as you pictured it before you started. Cannot wait till next week. Until then, back to “Couples Only” for me for another listen in it’s entirety with a newer perspective….
I'm still unsure of what this space is for me, but I kinda like that. It's nice that these substack posts don't have to be one thing or another. I'm surprised by how much actual writing I'm doing. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself though so I'm taking it one post at a time. Thanks for reading! xx
Carre, not going to lie - that was a tough read. Thank you as always for your (achingly) honest writing, which given the subjects can’t have been easy. I feel thankful that you found a (sort of) positive outcome from all that shit in that it set you on your path to the amazing music you make, however I’m sorry the world is full of assholes and your journey was quite so rough.
I’m not going to flippantly quote Nietzsche but I am glad you have emerged stronger from these experiences and looking forward to seeing you grow even more as a singular, powerful independent artist. Xx
Nowadays, I took back on this kind of stuff and I just try to be amused by all the ridiculousness. It wasn't pleasant to go through at the time, but it makes for a good story now.
Nine Inch Nails has always been Important music for me, but I have to say that I really don’t connect with the fans at all. A lot of times it feels like a bunch of country meatheads that don’t even get what the music is supposed to be about. Whenever you talk about that experience, It just sounds awful and I hate that people acted that way. I have often wondered how and why Trent Reznor could ever put up with fans like these. I see the old videos of tours and some of the frat boy behavior and it may explain it. People change overtime, at least some people do, and I would like to think that he’s not cool with any of that anymore, but who knows. I think that the vulnerability in the music and the lyrics is what always attracted me, but the scene is a whole would often repel me, and I never really felt like I fit in. I cannot imagine how it all must’ve felt for you. Whenever I read your writing, I can definitely see the forces of patriarchy throughout, and it keeps men and women both in roles that a lot of us don’t want to be in. Bunch of bullshit And lately society seems to be taking a step back instead of a step forward. I hope we all live to see much better times.
Every single week...I am floored by your posts. I'm truly grateful for not only your music & art, but also now your willingness to share your vulnerability and so much of yourself in these posts & writing. Thank you.
Absolutely love these. I look forward to the next stage of the journey every week. I empathize with so much of this. I didn't have these exact experiences, of course, but those relationships consumed completely and utterly in narcissism and ego... men throwing their dicks around like there aren't a billion others out there... manipulating and degrading someone to fulfill their agenda... I'm so sorry you've gone through all this. And American Apparel (eye roll) - I'm amazed you made it through! And without a plethora of photos of yourself out there, too! What a win!
Fucking hell. There are so many FUCKS in this world. And this illusion of fame and fortune will fix the way you feel about yourself. Totally different industry but same thing. I was in finance and the FUCKS you speak about are there too. I remember being told by one company you gotta bleed yellow to get on here. Pushing you to achieve in the belief that money and material thingd will fill that black void inside. Cocaine and booze fule the industry. It's acceptable as long as you achieve. I saw people longing to get positions at these places and start on a Monday morning and leave the company by lunch because of the pressure. I tried and was successful in earning money to fill that dark black inner void of self loathing, not being good enough and trying to please everyone. Booze took me but still functioning and earning. The blackness got bigger. Nothing could fill the void. 24/7 drinking crashed burned. Lost it all. Best thing that ever happend. Deluded fuck that I was. Can't fix internal blackness with outside material things. Look inward or go without I was told. A stint in rehab and a deconstruction of my inner blackness to rebuild it into light and new ways. You are so good enough. I said that to you a couple of weeks ago. Do it for the right reasons. Take care.
♥️
Oh, Carre.... I always hated American Apparel because of its ads and the obvious exploitation of the very young girls featured. But your experience was so personal -- and awful. I'm sorry you went through all that, but the strength and determination you have is mind-blowing -- particularly at such a young and tender age. (I really love that photo of you at 19.) And... thank god you weren't "able" to become a drug addict. Angels on your shoulder...
Keep on writing. We can't stop reading!
You're pretty much an angel on my shoulder at this point! Thanks for reading and being so supportive. Means a lot to me.
You’re such a gifted writer. Thank you for sharing this and I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve dealt with on your journey. I’m anticipating potentially even heavier topics to come though I’m grateful you’re okay talking in this space.
I’m probably slightly older than you but I’ve admired you since the days you opened for NIN (we’re not all crazy, I promise) because you did - and do - what a lot of us girls at the time wished we had the guts to do. Make great art and share it with the world, play with amazing bands, and play your own shows and make great music. It’s interesting (probably not always in a good way) to see the cost associated with sharing that art.
Take care of yourself and looking forward to reading what comes next.
Wowowowow. Thanks for sticking with me for sooo many years. I know not all NIN fans are crazy. Some have been loyal to me since the beginning, and I feel incredibly grateful for them because they've provided me genuine support at my lowest and I think that shows a great deal of humanity and appreciation for artistry. I can't tell you how cool it is to now have you as a reader. Thank you.
Really relate to smiling without teeth, and how you've became "you", the artist and person you are IN SPITE OF others. I think there's a level of genuine-ness that comes from self development in that way as opposed to being nurtured by a large supporting community or family around you.
It fking sucks that you had to go through even a portion of the shit that you have, to get the creative results you have. But... Feel fking proud of your music and the impact it has on those that love it. It's rare.
I listen to your albums around as much as I listen to PJ and even though the music sounds different on the surface, it's pretty much as impactful.
To be told that you listen to my music and find it as impactful as PJ Harvey's is the greatest compliment. That alone feels like a huge accomplishment. Thank you.
I look forward to this every week really
I love this and I love you!
I will definitely echo Emile about that being a “tough” read. I had no idea about any of that and sorry you, or anyone for that matter, had to go through it. Of course, I understand these were your choices and you admirably own them and do not sugar coat it or make excuses. Like all life experiences, they made you who you are today. A very important read and I thank you for sharing it with us. I hope this project of weekly posts is working for you as you pictured it before you started. Cannot wait till next week. Until then, back to “Couples Only” for me for another listen in it’s entirety with a newer perspective….
I'm still unsure of what this space is for me, but I kinda like that. It's nice that these substack posts don't have to be one thing or another. I'm surprised by how much actual writing I'm doing. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself though so I'm taking it one post at a time. Thanks for reading! xx
Carre, not going to lie - that was a tough read. Thank you as always for your (achingly) honest writing, which given the subjects can’t have been easy. I feel thankful that you found a (sort of) positive outcome from all that shit in that it set you on your path to the amazing music you make, however I’m sorry the world is full of assholes and your journey was quite so rough.
I’m not going to flippantly quote Nietzsche but I am glad you have emerged stronger from these experiences and looking forward to seeing you grow even more as a singular, powerful independent artist. Xx
Nowadays, I took back on this kind of stuff and I just try to be amused by all the ridiculousness. It wasn't pleasant to go through at the time, but it makes for a good story now.
Nine Inch Nails has always been Important music for me, but I have to say that I really don’t connect with the fans at all. A lot of times it feels like a bunch of country meatheads that don’t even get what the music is supposed to be about. Whenever you talk about that experience, It just sounds awful and I hate that people acted that way. I have often wondered how and why Trent Reznor could ever put up with fans like these. I see the old videos of tours and some of the frat boy behavior and it may explain it. People change overtime, at least some people do, and I would like to think that he’s not cool with any of that anymore, but who knows. I think that the vulnerability in the music and the lyrics is what always attracted me, but the scene is a whole would often repel me, and I never really felt like I fit in. I cannot imagine how it all must’ve felt for you. Whenever I read your writing, I can definitely see the forces of patriarchy throughout, and it keeps men and women both in roles that a lot of us don’t want to be in. Bunch of bullshit And lately society seems to be taking a step back instead of a step forward. I hope we all live to see much better times.
I hope so too. Only time will tell. In the meantime, we just have to do our part in attempting to slowly steer the ship in the right direction.
Every single week...I am floored by your posts. I'm truly grateful for not only your music & art, but also now your willingness to share your vulnerability and so much of yourself in these posts & writing. Thank you.
Honestly, every week I'm floored by people like you taking time to read this word vomit. Thanks for being there and giving me your attention. XX