Very well-said, Carre. It's often the same situation with incest and rape where the victim tends to get blamed for 'enticing' the perpetrator in some way or sending the wrong messages, even in the case of underage and vulnerable kids.
I just started watching the drama The Deuce and you can see the exact same dynamic you described playing out with pimps grooming girls to be prostitutes, the giving and withholding of love and approval to keep the girls shackled and compliant. When that doesn't work, getting the girls hooked on drugs and using violence come into play.
You're pointing in your post to an often invisible but very common level of abuse and control, that of professional validation and reward, and I've certainly been there, done that, paid the price as you have.
Society and the courts need to recognize that abuse is abuse no matter what, and that a power dynamic of some sort is always in play and that people abusing that power must be held accountable, full stop, that's it, end of story.
100%. Couldn't agree more. It's crazy how people continue to justify abuse and victim shame. You'd think more of us would know better by now...I think it's easy for people to judge and dismiss until it happens to someone they love. And, still, people don't know how to validate or support victims.
Yes, so true. Easy to Monday morning quarterback a situation, much harder to read the signs and respond in real time. We're often taken by surprise by abuse, like how did I not get it or see it. Who hasn't been taken advantage of by a narcissist?!
There should be a journalist/reporter/talkinghead commentator rule where unless you've experienced the sexual assault & grooming & trauma yourself, you're not allowed to speak on it let alone comment and condemn the victims & survivors. People like Bill Maher and his ilk need to shut the fuck up about what they clearly have no goddamn clue what they're yammering about.
The more I try to post a comment here, the angrier & triggered I'm getting. I'm close to dear people who have been groomed & victimized in S.A. and it infuriated me when I saw them be dismissed & minimized by others.
Totally agree. Personally, I feel like the dismissal and minimization is just as bad (if not worse) than the abuse itself. Your people are lucky to have you in their corner. XX
"Even now, a part of me still looks to the man who groomed me for approval. I deal with a lot of shame because of it. Rage too. Most of me truly doesn't give a fuck about the dude or his opinions. But a tiny sliver of me still does. The part of me who’s forever a little girl. She still wants him to tell her that she's good enough. That she’s talented. That he meant it when he told her he loved her." The bravery it took to write that last paragraph. Thanks for doing it, I deeply admire your courage.
I am listening and taking notes here. It’s hard to process what’s being inferred but I am open to hearing what I don’t want to hear about people who I have adored but never truly known, if I am connecting the dots correctly. It’s hard to know how to feel, and I respect the need for privacy or even legal constraints that may preclude you from saying more. The point remains true in the end no matter who it’s about. We shouldn’t give so much protection to the powerful or be so precious about our idols that we are willing to sacrifice innocent lives for them.
I feel like just about every other artist hero I had growing up had ended up really disappointing me and I’ve been clinging to this last one, like, “but you are going to let me keep this one right? He’s okay, right? Like he got sober and is one of the good ones right?” But conspicuously he’s not been pointed out as one of the good ones in these stories, and a lot is adding up to lead me to believe otherwise. It’s hard, but I don’t want to hold onto fantasies and I’m willing to let go. I can’t really separate art from artist very well. The art has the artist in it. Especially in deeply personal lyrics. But there is so much good music in the world, made by people who aren’t predatory, or who have been willing to come to terms with who they were and really change and make amends and take responsibility. Guess I’m just thinking aloud here, but thank you for what you shared, I imagine it was difficult to do. I believe you.
I'm so sorry and sad about these situations. It's so easy to convince yourself that you're overreacting or making something out of nothing. It took a lot of therapy until I even felt comfortable talking to my husband about my experience. I thought it was my fault and I should have said something earlier, but I was a kid. A young, dumb teenager who was rejected by her mother and didn't recognize that it was not normal for my uncle to treat me the way he did. I'm an aunt now and fiercely protective of my littles; I will do what nobody did for me and stand up!
This sort of hit me hard. I grew up seeking validation and not believing in myself. My daughter is 11 years old and I fear she’s just like me. She is a tremendous theatre actor and as already landed some big roles but I am so afraid if she stays on this path that the theatre world will swallow her up . Thank you for writing.
This is so good. So many people seem to understand grooming as an abstract, but when it comes down to it, they don’t understand that it changes you and the way you act. They seem to think grooming = tricking.
Thank you for this honest post. It’s very difficult for those who have not experienced grooming/SA to understand the manipulation and subtleties of these toxic dynamics. We’re fortunate to have your insight. 💪 🙏
“When you grow up without affirmation, without anyone reinforcing your worth or validating your ambitions, you learn to survive on the fantasy of the future.”
I say it a lot but really it’s worth repeating every time, your writing resonates so hard and it blows me away.
I’m so sorry for what’s happened to us. May our healing and peace be directly proportional to their suffering and demise🙏 🙏🙏 perhaps i’ll add TR to my practice of binding and hexing.
It’s somewhat common knowledge with longtime NIN fans that she was living with him when she was a teen. I recall an old message board post about how she was a teenager riding on the bus with him when she opened with teeth tour. She’s never publicly called him out for anything, tho.. QK has written openly about many abusive situations in hollywood. Who knows, if any, have to do with Trent. 🤷🏼♀️
Please excuse the typos in the emailed version of this essay. I didn't have the patience to proof-read today. Whoops.
Very well-said, Carre. It's often the same situation with incest and rape where the victim tends to get blamed for 'enticing' the perpetrator in some way or sending the wrong messages, even in the case of underage and vulnerable kids.
I just started watching the drama The Deuce and you can see the exact same dynamic you described playing out with pimps grooming girls to be prostitutes, the giving and withholding of love and approval to keep the girls shackled and compliant. When that doesn't work, getting the girls hooked on drugs and using violence come into play.
You're pointing in your post to an often invisible but very common level of abuse and control, that of professional validation and reward, and I've certainly been there, done that, paid the price as you have.
Society and the courts need to recognize that abuse is abuse no matter what, and that a power dynamic of some sort is always in play and that people abusing that power must be held accountable, full stop, that's it, end of story.
100%. Couldn't agree more. It's crazy how people continue to justify abuse and victim shame. You'd think more of us would know better by now...I think it's easy for people to judge and dismiss until it happens to someone they love. And, still, people don't know how to validate or support victims.
Yes, so true. Easy to Monday morning quarterback a situation, much harder to read the signs and respond in real time. We're often taken by surprise by abuse, like how did I not get it or see it. Who hasn't been taken advantage of by a narcissist?!
Compelling breakdown on this issue, and extremely good writing 👏👏
You are good enough. ❤️ More than good enough. And you are talented. ❤️
No one can understand it unless they have experienced it. ❤️❤️❤️
There should be a journalist/reporter/talkinghead commentator rule where unless you've experienced the sexual assault & grooming & trauma yourself, you're not allowed to speak on it let alone comment and condemn the victims & survivors. People like Bill Maher and his ilk need to shut the fuck up about what they clearly have no goddamn clue what they're yammering about.
The more I try to post a comment here, the angrier & triggered I'm getting. I'm close to dear people who have been groomed & victimized in S.A. and it infuriated me when I saw them be dismissed & minimized by others.
Totally agree. Personally, I feel like the dismissal and minimization is just as bad (if not worse) than the abuse itself. Your people are lucky to have you in their corner. XX
"Even now, a part of me still looks to the man who groomed me for approval. I deal with a lot of shame because of it. Rage too. Most of me truly doesn't give a fuck about the dude or his opinions. But a tiny sliver of me still does. The part of me who’s forever a little girl. She still wants him to tell her that she's good enough. That she’s talented. That he meant it when he told her he loved her." The bravery it took to write that last paragraph. Thanks for doing it, I deeply admire your courage.
I am listening and taking notes here. It’s hard to process what’s being inferred but I am open to hearing what I don’t want to hear about people who I have adored but never truly known, if I am connecting the dots correctly. It’s hard to know how to feel, and I respect the need for privacy or even legal constraints that may preclude you from saying more. The point remains true in the end no matter who it’s about. We shouldn’t give so much protection to the powerful or be so precious about our idols that we are willing to sacrifice innocent lives for them.
I feel like just about every other artist hero I had growing up had ended up really disappointing me and I’ve been clinging to this last one, like, “but you are going to let me keep this one right? He’s okay, right? Like he got sober and is one of the good ones right?” But conspicuously he’s not been pointed out as one of the good ones in these stories, and a lot is adding up to lead me to believe otherwise. It’s hard, but I don’t want to hold onto fantasies and I’m willing to let go. I can’t really separate art from artist very well. The art has the artist in it. Especially in deeply personal lyrics. But there is so much good music in the world, made by people who aren’t predatory, or who have been willing to come to terms with who they were and really change and make amends and take responsibility. Guess I’m just thinking aloud here, but thank you for what you shared, I imagine it was difficult to do. I believe you.
I'm so sorry and sad about these situations. It's so easy to convince yourself that you're overreacting or making something out of nothing. It took a lot of therapy until I even felt comfortable talking to my husband about my experience. I thought it was my fault and I should have said something earlier, but I was a kid. A young, dumb teenager who was rejected by her mother and didn't recognize that it was not normal for my uncle to treat me the way he did. I'm an aunt now and fiercely protective of my littles; I will do what nobody did for me and stand up!
This sort of hit me hard. I grew up seeking validation and not believing in myself. My daughter is 11 years old and I fear she’s just like me. She is a tremendous theatre actor and as already landed some big roles but I am so afraid if she stays on this path that the theatre world will swallow her up . Thank you for writing.
This is so good. So many people seem to understand grooming as an abstract, but when it comes down to it, they don’t understand that it changes you and the way you act. They seem to think grooming = tricking.
Thank you for this honest post. It’s very difficult for those who have not experienced grooming/SA to understand the manipulation and subtleties of these toxic dynamics. We’re fortunate to have your insight. 💪 🙏
“When you grow up without affirmation, without anyone reinforcing your worth or validating your ambitions, you learn to survive on the fantasy of the future.”
I say it a lot but really it’s worth repeating every time, your writing resonates so hard and it blows me away.
I’m so sorry for what’s happened to us. May our healing and peace be directly proportional to their suffering and demise🙏 🙏🙏 perhaps i’ll add TR to my practice of binding and hexing.
It's time these people got thier comeuppance. Or outed just say it's Trent Reznor it's not libel if its true or if not he's getting dragged
It’s somewhat common knowledge with longtime NIN fans that she was living with him when she was a teen. I recall an old message board post about how she was a teenager riding on the bus with him when she opened with teeth tour. She’s never publicly called him out for anything, tho.. QK has written openly about many abusive situations in hollywood. Who knows, if any, have to do with Trent. 🤷🏼♀️