Can I just say, you seem exceedingly more well-adjusted than most would be given some of your shared experiences.
I’m in the midst of my own mid-life crisis (which, given its intensity, feels like it will drag on into a late-life crisis). Every time I even think of unpacking my childhood, I decide it’s time to move on to other things. Like watching paint dry. Or drowning myself in episodes of Real Housewives and Dateline. There’s a Pandora’s box deep down there somewhere filled with anger and shame and low self esteem and tragedy. Maybe someday I’ll resolve all of those loose ends. Maaaybe. In the meantime I make tons of excuses like “eh, we all did the best we could. But hey, why isn’t my depression getting any better? And why does my head hurt ALL the time? Why am I on the outs with half of my relatives?” Hmmmm.
I always appreciate when people share the not so instagram-able (for lack of a better term) parts of their lives. It makes me feel like less of an anomaly. Like hey, maybe everyone has a crazy story and we’re not alone in this.
All to say, thank you so so much for sharing again. Take care of yourself :)
You and me should start a sad, avoidant girl club. I'm sad but I don't want to think about it so let's watch Dateline and distract ourselves with murder! Add binge-eating to the mix and I'm in heaven. I don't believe there's much resolve to the loose ends you mentioned. Is that me being a pessimist? Unless you find Jesus or join AA, it seems hard to do the whole "healing" and "making peace" song and dance. I want to feel better about myself and life and the world etc etc. But, let's also be real. Some shit is just fccked up. It can always be worse though. So I just try to make a joke of everything, if you haven't noticed. Blackbox Recorder put out a song called "child psychology" 20 or so years ago with the lyrics: life is unfair, kill yourself or get over it. I know that line probably would've gotten them cancelled if released this day in age, but it's kinda that simple. Except, do you ever truly "get over it"? I'll let you know if I ever do. XX
I think you’re right. If there’s a next life, this baggage is coming with me. If (most likely) there’s nothing, it’s still buried with me. It’s here to stay. Might as well get on with it.
There is some solace though. I did recently discover the 24/7 Dateline Channel. I don’t know how I missed that this was a thing. I somehow fall asleep slightly easier to the sights and sounds of Keith Morrison giving an incredulous side eye and a deadpan “oh REALLY?” to an alleged murderer.
This sad, avoidant girls club sounds like a plan! <3
Wow rude we have extremely similar mom trauma (traumama?) but you grew up cool and artistic and I'm just a normie square who is afraid of everything unregulated :-/ My fave good bad memory is age 7 when she woke me in the middle of the night, put on a trenchcoat, and we walked to some guy's house where she made me help her spray paint thinner all over his Cadillac. We also threw slices of baloney on it...? I found out eventually that he had given her best friend an STD, and it's tough, like you pointed out, to reconcile thinking that is kind of iconic whilst grieving for myself as a child. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm thinking "mom-traum" is the catchphrase for this one. Hahaha. Wow, our moms seem to be very similar except yours was definitely more of a girl's girl. Thanks for sharing. XX
so sorry for how much this made me laugh. it's genuine in the sense that I'm just laughing at your punch lines, but it's also a kind of familial, "hey I get it" kind of laughter that comes with a head shake and your own story about how long it took to reach a place where you can only laugh when you think about the things you experienced in your youth that only a very creative therapist could dream up for their debut trauma novel.
I don't have anyone in my family like your mother thank god but I have had my own experiences in life that give me the authority to say: if someone gives you no reason to grieve them, don't worry about the idea of grieving them before it's time. if someone wants to be grieved, they should have been someone worth grieving. sure, said person no doubt went through their own level of hell that you can't imagine that formed into the person that terrorized you but... ya know, tough titties. you decide to be a person that enjoys hurting other people or you decide not to be. if you decide to be a vampire, you don't get to be mad that people slap their hands over their necks when you enter a room.
anxiety serves a purpose. (says the person who gets anxiety just from sitting on my couch reading a book in peace because I'm convinced no moment of contentment comes without a cost.)
I'm SO glad someone is laughing (besides me)! I often laugh so hard that it seems like I'm crying and the people around me can't tell the difference. And one I'm tripping on shrooms et al, I will actually start crying. And I won't know if I'm sad or happy. That's the reaction I aim to get from my writing someday. Is this sad or funny? BOTH! Tragically hilarious and incredibly uncomfortable for everyone.
RE: people who don't deserve to be grieved. There are many of them. And everything you say is so true. My brain knows this. My heart can't get there, though. Neither of my parents deserve to hear from me ever again, tbh. I keep thinking that coming to some sort of peace with my mom will spare me from losing my shit when she dies. So, it's for my sake, not hers. If I'm being realistic though, there's no peace to be made. My parents haven't changed, they will never be who I needed them to be, and I will inevitably collapse into a heap of resentment and rage when they're no longer here. Actually, I'm sure my mom is going to out-live me so once again, JOKE IS ON ME. I cannot wait to write my debut trauma novel. It's going to be a fcking banger.
My Ma left me grabbing for crumbs of attention too, and as she was overtly offended by who and what I am, I developed my self-esteem devouring people pleasing tendacies.
So you and your editor are to blame for the lump I got in my throat reading this. I am glad you had help piecing this together. It is sad, but it is beautiful. Thank You!
meanwhile, I find you to be an absolute fucking inspiration. you set the bar high, Sean. I can't think of many people from my childhood who I find admirable but you are definitely one of them. Love you.
Carre - thanks for sharing …. As usual, some parts made me laugh out loud and some made me feel very sad.
Since you asked, my relationship with my Mum was / is very weird. Only child, she was an ex
Model, flight attendant, very glam - 70’s in San Fran and Middle East … married & divorced and led a very party girl lifestyle (although getting her only son out of civil war torn Beirut in 74 was no fuckin joke) brought me up (well, introduced me to black coffee, cigarettes and wine aged 11) then got remarried and off to boarding school I go. (I know, I know, first world problems right? We had no money - it was part of my step dads work package and stopped as soon as I hit 16)
We always got on ok but more like friends than mother / son - I thank her for my healthy respect for women, and later, allyship with and support for strong / outspoken women (also due to lacking any positive male role models growing up ) however not a normal (what is normal?) relationship. It certainly had a huge influence on relationships throughout my life - I still have a weird time with father figure types!! 🤣
Your mom sounds very eccentric. Kinda seems like things could've gone either way for you, up or down. Luckily, instead of becoming a Ted Bundy or incel type, you were actually able to develop deep respect for women. This is rare and honestly, I think it's the greatest gift a mother can give her son and the world. Because the world definitely needs better men. I'm always thankful to have you in my corner, Emile. XX
Thank you again for sharing. I think it helps to normalize sharing mother-related trauma. It's really sad to read about, but also validating because it's mostly still taboo to have real talk about mothers in our culture.
My mother (and father) had severe mental health issues when I was a kid (resulting in them being volatile, unstable, hospitalized, often unable to parent, and me being the adult as a kid). How can we go through all of this and not have a right to tell our own stories, to be forever duty-bound to protect our mother's (and father's) reputations and happiness all our lives? I think survivors all must have a fundamental right to share and to normalize talking about these hurts if we have any chance of truly recovering. But I find it terrible hard to do so because it still feels so taboo in our culture to say anything unkind about our mothers, no matter the trauma.
Dude...MOMS DETERMINE EVERYTHING. I hate giving them that much power, but they do. Mom-Traum is real. I know we're all supposed to be quiet and praise them no matter what because they "gave us life" or "brought us into the world" but come on. Moms are able to cast the die on us immediately. They set us up for failure/success straight outta the vaginal gates. I don't want to sound like a reddit mom-bashing troll or anything. I'm just being realistic. When moms are great to their kids and love, support and encourage them, their kids usually end up having a pretty positive inner narrative. When moms tell their kids that they're pieces of shit and abuse them, their kids probably don't end up having a positive inner narrative. Duh. That's just psych 101, I'd imagine. Anyway, back to your point. We all gotta talk about this stuff because, if nothing else, we can support and empathize with one other. Or just cry into each other's substacks.
This is so deep, Carre... and even when you are funny writing about it (and you are! it IS a superpower), it's heartbreaking to read. Your ability to find compassion and understanding of what had to be some crazy trauma in your mother's past is really impressive.
I also went kinda easy on her, now that I think about it...Right?? Hahahaha. Means a lot to have YOU reading this stuff. As always, thanks for the encouragement.
"The generational trauma we carry becomes a part of our identity. In one way or another, who we are is always a byproduct of who we once were."
And who our parents were as well. When I understood and considered the tragedies in my parents' lives that shaped them into the parents that they were, I was finally able to let go of the bitter hatred I felt for my father and sometimes my mother. I forgave them. But I'll never forget. Although as I get older, my memory of them and the traumas of my youth are gradually fading away.
Thank you sweet girl (sorry, I will always think of you that way) for sharing. I think of you often. Reading this is jarring and fills me with regret for seeing, and not seeing this at the time. You are a force. ❤️
It means a lot to me that you are reading this stuff and that you're saying something to me now. But, please remember that hindsight іs 20/20. You weren't responsible for anything that happened/didn't happen. I know that, and you should, too. XX
A heartbreaking and humorous read though, thank you for baring your inner angst.
You need to give yourself some credit for unpacking all of that and working out all of what’s happened in your relationship with your mum has shaped who you are. Many would go through life with it buried deep in the dark bits of their mind. Ever thought of being a therapist/counsellor?
I was lucky enough to have a loving childhood albeit with only small pockets of attention…with good reason though as my older brother has learning difficulties, blind and epilepsy so most of mum and dad’s (and mine) attention was focused on him. I missed out on a lot but I made up for it when I was independent enough to go my own way. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I learnt patience, compassion and not to judge as everyone has a back story.
Thank you again for sharing and can’t wait to c u next Tuesday. X
Oh, I'm great at unpacking and spewing all the baggage everywhere (like onto you) but I avoid the actual "processing" of any of it. And to answer your question, I've thought a lot about becoming a therapist. If only it didn't involve more school. I already have $80k in student loan debt! Maybe I'll just become a life coach. --said every delusional psychopath ever. Thanks for sharing about your family. Seems like you'd make a pretty great therapist too. I have a lot of respect for people who dig in their heels and care for children and family members who suffer from learning disabilities and/or physical disabilities. And even more respect for you for being understanding towards your parents not being able to focus more attention on you. A lot of people in your position would feel slighted. But as you said, you developed a deeper level of patience and compassion. XX
I’m more likely to be a therapist patient than a therapist!
Thank you for your kind words…it’s not a big hardship my Brother is adorable (most the time!) I think you would make a great life coach…you certainly have plenty of experience. X
I don't think there's any bigger jumpscare than realizing how my relationship dynamic with past partners mirrored my dynamic with my mom — even as I was smug enough to think I was over it since I'd moved out after college.
There needs to be a study of (mostly boomer, maybe gen x era) Asian mom trauma because so many of us grow up experiencing the aftermath of grandparent refugee trauma growing up with so many present physical dangers, and how it trickles down to the truly ??? emotional minefield of our parents' unpacked traumas from that, and now our own so-fucked-you-can't-help-but-laugh relationships with our moms.
All animosity for my mom’s behaviors dissolved, after she passed, and my siblings and I were DNA tested. She didn’t know what she didn’t know, and it explains why she was counseled by my “grandfather” to not tell me about my own paternity.
Epigenetics is a trip and inherited trauma AND knowledge is a thing. As I age, I understand her more and more, and why she slapped the shit outta me, because I freely spoke the words she wasn’t allowed the space to feel.
I have deep, deep regrets that I did not ask more questions without judgment, but, idk, we did have a fractured amends before passing. But I seriously regret not being at her death bed.
Forgiveness is FOR YOU. To be free. To breathe deeply. To love more and to be loved. Don’t keep the cage door closed. Even if you sing.
Carre, Carre, Carre…I’m speechless. I have this book called ‘Difficult Mothers’ that I had to stop reading and frankly have considered burning. At the very least hiding it in my house or writing a dedication inside the front cover to my own Stunt Cunt in preparation for when I shuffle off this mortal coil and a member of my extended family (reliable) finds it in the stuff I leave behind… Your words in this piece are the best thing I’ve ever read on a familiar subject. Now I’m wondering whether we are in fact the same person. Deep gratitude for your openness about the messiness of real life.
Can I just say, you seem exceedingly more well-adjusted than most would be given some of your shared experiences.
I’m in the midst of my own mid-life crisis (which, given its intensity, feels like it will drag on into a late-life crisis). Every time I even think of unpacking my childhood, I decide it’s time to move on to other things. Like watching paint dry. Or drowning myself in episodes of Real Housewives and Dateline. There’s a Pandora’s box deep down there somewhere filled with anger and shame and low self esteem and tragedy. Maybe someday I’ll resolve all of those loose ends. Maaaybe. In the meantime I make tons of excuses like “eh, we all did the best we could. But hey, why isn’t my depression getting any better? And why does my head hurt ALL the time? Why am I on the outs with half of my relatives?” Hmmmm.
I always appreciate when people share the not so instagram-able (for lack of a better term) parts of their lives. It makes me feel like less of an anomaly. Like hey, maybe everyone has a crazy story and we’re not alone in this.
All to say, thank you so so much for sharing again. Take care of yourself :)
You and me should start a sad, avoidant girl club. I'm sad but I don't want to think about it so let's watch Dateline and distract ourselves with murder! Add binge-eating to the mix and I'm in heaven. I don't believe there's much resolve to the loose ends you mentioned. Is that me being a pessimist? Unless you find Jesus or join AA, it seems hard to do the whole "healing" and "making peace" song and dance. I want to feel better about myself and life and the world etc etc. But, let's also be real. Some shit is just fccked up. It can always be worse though. So I just try to make a joke of everything, if you haven't noticed. Blackbox Recorder put out a song called "child psychology" 20 or so years ago with the lyrics: life is unfair, kill yourself or get over it. I know that line probably would've gotten them cancelled if released this day in age, but it's kinda that simple. Except, do you ever truly "get over it"? I'll let you know if I ever do. XX
I think you’re right. If there’s a next life, this baggage is coming with me. If (most likely) there’s nothing, it’s still buried with me. It’s here to stay. Might as well get on with it.
There is some solace though. I did recently discover the 24/7 Dateline Channel. I don’t know how I missed that this was a thing. I somehow fall asleep slightly easier to the sights and sounds of Keith Morrison giving an incredulous side eye and a deadpan “oh REALLY?” to an alleged murderer.
This sad, avoidant girls club sounds like a plan! <3
Wow rude we have extremely similar mom trauma (traumama?) but you grew up cool and artistic and I'm just a normie square who is afraid of everything unregulated :-/ My fave good bad memory is age 7 when she woke me in the middle of the night, put on a trenchcoat, and we walked to some guy's house where she made me help her spray paint thinner all over his Cadillac. We also threw slices of baloney on it...? I found out eventually that he had given her best friend an STD, and it's tough, like you pointed out, to reconcile thinking that is kind of iconic whilst grieving for myself as a child. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm thinking "mom-traum" is the catchphrase for this one. Hahaha. Wow, our moms seem to be very similar except yours was definitely more of a girl's girl. Thanks for sharing. XX
Momtraum 😂😂😂 I died!!
so sorry for how much this made me laugh. it's genuine in the sense that I'm just laughing at your punch lines, but it's also a kind of familial, "hey I get it" kind of laughter that comes with a head shake and your own story about how long it took to reach a place where you can only laugh when you think about the things you experienced in your youth that only a very creative therapist could dream up for their debut trauma novel.
I don't have anyone in my family like your mother thank god but I have had my own experiences in life that give me the authority to say: if someone gives you no reason to grieve them, don't worry about the idea of grieving them before it's time. if someone wants to be grieved, they should have been someone worth grieving. sure, said person no doubt went through their own level of hell that you can't imagine that formed into the person that terrorized you but... ya know, tough titties. you decide to be a person that enjoys hurting other people or you decide not to be. if you decide to be a vampire, you don't get to be mad that people slap their hands over their necks when you enter a room.
anxiety serves a purpose. (says the person who gets anxiety just from sitting on my couch reading a book in peace because I'm convinced no moment of contentment comes without a cost.)
I'm SO glad someone is laughing (besides me)! I often laugh so hard that it seems like I'm crying and the people around me can't tell the difference. And one I'm tripping on shrooms et al, I will actually start crying. And I won't know if I'm sad or happy. That's the reaction I aim to get from my writing someday. Is this sad or funny? BOTH! Tragically hilarious and incredibly uncomfortable for everyone.
RE: people who don't deserve to be grieved. There are many of them. And everything you say is so true. My brain knows this. My heart can't get there, though. Neither of my parents deserve to hear from me ever again, tbh. I keep thinking that coming to some sort of peace with my mom will spare me from losing my shit when she dies. So, it's for my sake, not hers. If I'm being realistic though, there's no peace to be made. My parents haven't changed, they will never be who I needed them to be, and I will inevitably collapse into a heap of resentment and rage when they're no longer here. Actually, I'm sure my mom is going to out-live me so once again, JOKE IS ON ME. I cannot wait to write my debut trauma novel. It's going to be a fcking banger.
My Ma left me grabbing for crumbs of attention too, and as she was overtly offended by who and what I am, I developed my self-esteem devouring people pleasing tendacies.
So you and your editor are to blame for the lump I got in my throat reading this. I am glad you had help piecing this together. It is sad, but it is beautiful. Thank You!
meanwhile, I find you to be an absolute fucking inspiration. you set the bar high, Sean. I can't think of many people from my childhood who I find admirable but you are definitely one of them. Love you.
That means A LOT 💝 coming from you. Love you!!
Carre - thanks for sharing …. As usual, some parts made me laugh out loud and some made me feel very sad.
Since you asked, my relationship with my Mum was / is very weird. Only child, she was an ex
Model, flight attendant, very glam - 70’s in San Fran and Middle East … married & divorced and led a very party girl lifestyle (although getting her only son out of civil war torn Beirut in 74 was no fuckin joke) brought me up (well, introduced me to black coffee, cigarettes and wine aged 11) then got remarried and off to boarding school I go. (I know, I know, first world problems right? We had no money - it was part of my step dads work package and stopped as soon as I hit 16)
We always got on ok but more like friends than mother / son - I thank her for my healthy respect for women, and later, allyship with and support for strong / outspoken women (also due to lacking any positive male role models growing up ) however not a normal (what is normal?) relationship. It certainly had a huge influence on relationships throughout my life - I still have a weird time with father figure types!! 🤣
Your mom sounds very eccentric. Kinda seems like things could've gone either way for you, up or down. Luckily, instead of becoming a Ted Bundy or incel type, you were actually able to develop deep respect for women. This is rare and honestly, I think it's the greatest gift a mother can give her son and the world. Because the world definitely needs better men. I'm always thankful to have you in my corner, Emile. XX
Thank you again for sharing. I think it helps to normalize sharing mother-related trauma. It's really sad to read about, but also validating because it's mostly still taboo to have real talk about mothers in our culture.
My mother (and father) had severe mental health issues when I was a kid (resulting in them being volatile, unstable, hospitalized, often unable to parent, and me being the adult as a kid). How can we go through all of this and not have a right to tell our own stories, to be forever duty-bound to protect our mother's (and father's) reputations and happiness all our lives? I think survivors all must have a fundamental right to share and to normalize talking about these hurts if we have any chance of truly recovering. But I find it terrible hard to do so because it still feels so taboo in our culture to say anything unkind about our mothers, no matter the trauma.
Dude...MOMS DETERMINE EVERYTHING. I hate giving them that much power, but they do. Mom-Traum is real. I know we're all supposed to be quiet and praise them no matter what because they "gave us life" or "brought us into the world" but come on. Moms are able to cast the die on us immediately. They set us up for failure/success straight outta the vaginal gates. I don't want to sound like a reddit mom-bashing troll or anything. I'm just being realistic. When moms are great to their kids and love, support and encourage them, their kids usually end up having a pretty positive inner narrative. When moms tell their kids that they're pieces of shit and abuse them, their kids probably don't end up having a positive inner narrative. Duh. That's just psych 101, I'd imagine. Anyway, back to your point. We all gotta talk about this stuff because, if nothing else, we can support and empathize with one other. Or just cry into each other's substacks.
This is so deep, Carre... and even when you are funny writing about it (and you are! it IS a superpower), it's heartbreaking to read. Your ability to find compassion and understanding of what had to be some crazy trauma in your mother's past is really impressive.
I also went kinda easy on her, now that I think about it...Right?? Hahahaha. Means a lot to have YOU reading this stuff. As always, thanks for the encouragement.
"The generational trauma we carry becomes a part of our identity. In one way or another, who we are is always a byproduct of who we once were."
And who our parents were as well. When I understood and considered the tragedies in my parents' lives that shaped them into the parents that they were, I was finally able to let go of the bitter hatred I felt for my father and sometimes my mother. I forgave them. But I'll never forget. Although as I get older, my memory of them and the traumas of my youth are gradually fading away.
This is incredibly powerful writing Carre. Thought provoking and insightful. Somebody should get you on a book deal and quick
Thanks so much. Fingers crossed on a book deal, I'm so down! XX
Thank you sweet girl (sorry, I will always think of you that way) for sharing. I think of you often. Reading this is jarring and fills me with regret for seeing, and not seeing this at the time. You are a force. ❤️
It means a lot to me that you are reading this stuff and that you're saying something to me now. But, please remember that hindsight іs 20/20. You weren't responsible for anything that happened/didn't happen. I know that, and you should, too. XX
Wow…I guess that was hard to write/dictate.
A heartbreaking and humorous read though, thank you for baring your inner angst.
You need to give yourself some credit for unpacking all of that and working out all of what’s happened in your relationship with your mum has shaped who you are. Many would go through life with it buried deep in the dark bits of their mind. Ever thought of being a therapist/counsellor?
I was lucky enough to have a loving childhood albeit with only small pockets of attention…with good reason though as my older brother has learning difficulties, blind and epilepsy so most of mum and dad’s (and mine) attention was focused on him. I missed out on a lot but I made up for it when I was independent enough to go my own way. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I learnt patience, compassion and not to judge as everyone has a back story.
Thank you again for sharing and can’t wait to c u next Tuesday. X
Oh, I'm great at unpacking and spewing all the baggage everywhere (like onto you) but I avoid the actual "processing" of any of it. And to answer your question, I've thought a lot about becoming a therapist. If only it didn't involve more school. I already have $80k in student loan debt! Maybe I'll just become a life coach. --said every delusional psychopath ever. Thanks for sharing about your family. Seems like you'd make a pretty great therapist too. I have a lot of respect for people who dig in their heels and care for children and family members who suffer from learning disabilities and/or physical disabilities. And even more respect for you for being understanding towards your parents not being able to focus more attention on you. A lot of people in your position would feel slighted. But as you said, you developed a deeper level of patience and compassion. XX
I’m more likely to be a therapist patient than a therapist!
Thank you for your kind words…it’s not a big hardship my Brother is adorable (most the time!) I think you would make a great life coach…you certainly have plenty of experience. X
That's it, I'm going to start a substack advice column! At least I can tell people what NOT to do. lol
I don't think there's any bigger jumpscare than realizing how my relationship dynamic with past partners mirrored my dynamic with my mom — even as I was smug enough to think I was over it since I'd moved out after college.
There needs to be a study of (mostly boomer, maybe gen x era) Asian mom trauma because so many of us grow up experiencing the aftermath of grandparent refugee trauma growing up with so many present physical dangers, and how it trickles down to the truly ??? emotional minefield of our parents' unpacked traumas from that, and now our own so-fucked-you-can't-help-but-laugh relationships with our moms.
100% to all of this!!
Quite brilliantly done 🎩
Thank you!
All animosity for my mom’s behaviors dissolved, after she passed, and my siblings and I were DNA tested. She didn’t know what she didn’t know, and it explains why she was counseled by my “grandfather” to not tell me about my own paternity.
Epigenetics is a trip and inherited trauma AND knowledge is a thing. As I age, I understand her more and more, and why she slapped the shit outta me, because I freely spoke the words she wasn’t allowed the space to feel.
I have deep, deep regrets that I did not ask more questions without judgment, but, idk, we did have a fractured amends before passing. But I seriously regret not being at her death bed.
Forgiveness is FOR YOU. To be free. To breathe deeply. To love more and to be loved. Don’t keep the cage door closed. Even if you sing.
Carre, Carre, Carre…I’m speechless. I have this book called ‘Difficult Mothers’ that I had to stop reading and frankly have considered burning. At the very least hiding it in my house or writing a dedication inside the front cover to my own Stunt Cunt in preparation for when I shuffle off this mortal coil and a member of my extended family (reliable) finds it in the stuff I leave behind… Your words in this piece are the best thing I’ve ever read on a familiar subject. Now I’m wondering whether we are in fact the same person. Deep gratitude for your openness about the messiness of real life.