Never Fall in Love with a Musician

A cautionary tale from a musician who’s been on both sides of the heartbreak

With A Complete Unknown, the new Dylan biopic starring Timothée Chalamet, we're reminded (once again) that dating musicians is a tragicomic exercise in masochism. The film portrays Bob Dylan's toxic relationship with Joan Baez, a powerhouse artist who helped Dylan rise to fame, only to be shoved aside when he no longer needed her. Classic musician behavior...

As someone who is a musician and has more experience dating them than I care to admit (bad decisions are part of the creative process...?), I can confirm that musicians are a unique cocktail of overly emotional yet emotionally unavailable egomaniacs. At first, we seem hot and intriguing—brooding and mysterious. But soon, you'll realize the "mystery" is actually unresolved trauma, and the "brooding" is thinly veiled self-obsession.

Musicians are walking paradoxes. On stage, we feel like gods, basking in the glow of your undivided attention. Off stage, we're insecure wrecks desperate for validation. It's a toxic combo: a giant ego paired with a black hole of self-doubt. Nobody can love us as much as we love and hate ourselves.

I've fallen for both struggling musicians and famous ones, and honestly, it's a lose-lose situation. Struggling musicians are bitter, broke, and exhausting. On the other hand, famous musicians are coddled and shielded from accountability. They’re narcissistic and exhausting. And if they're also touring musicians? Well, that's the worst. One ex-boyfriend spent so much time in filthy vans and flea-ridden motels that he had a permanent case of lice—yet somehow maintained an endless roster of girls on the back burner. Famous musicians might not have lice, but they do have sycophants, and trust me, sycophants are worse.

Life on the road is a fantasy bubble of indulgence where consequences don't exist. Off the road, musicians are like overgrown children. And I'm not not including myself here. I'm not proud of my state of arrested development, but at least I'm aware of it. Sure, I can do my own laundry, but not long ago, I admittedly found myself Googling, "How to cook a hot dog."

photo: Rowland Scherman

It's not just musicians, though—artists generally require a certain elevated level of self-absorption. Writers, painters, filmmakers—we're all obsessed with our craft and, thus, ourselves. But musicians take it to another level. The combination of instant gratification from onstage adoration and relentless creative obsession makes us especially insufferable. At least painters don't have nightly audiences, and filmmakers don't have groupies. (Well, not as many…)

So, unless you're a saint, a masochist, or someone who thrives on dating someone who needs a "mommy," I'd recommend steering clear of musicians. Sure, there are exceptions to every rule, but think twice before you take that gamble. Do you want to be someone's temporary muse, or do you want to be their equal? Because with a musician, you'll rarely get to be both. Joan Baez's story is a cautionary tale: loving a musician often means fading into the shadows of their spotlight.

Remember, musicians don't just write about heartbreak; we cause it.

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c u next tuesday.

XX CARRÉ

ps: have you seen A Complete Unknown? Have you dated a musician? please do tell. and, as usual: like, comment, share.