I lost my voice, have you seen it around?

It was once loud and brave, outspoken and brash. It expressed polarizing opinions and provoked visceral reactions. It was strong and defining. And then, it petered out to a sigh.

Over the last week, I started several drafts for this post. Everyday, I spent hours trying to make sense of word vomit. I put a lot of pressure on myself to write the strongest, most compelling first full-length post I could muster. I wrote about music, my childhood, my current existential crisis…Alas, I trashed them all this morning.

These subjects will eventually seep through future pieces, but I’m not going to attempt to fit them into a perfect, digestible essay right now. I don’t want to overthink this space and I know that if I set too many expectations too fast, I won’t be productive. I’ll obsessively work in circles, over edit the life out of things, then feel too self-conscious to post. For now, I just want to write. Full disclosure style, no holding back.

Starting this Substack has made me realize that I’ve disconnected from my voice. Between social media, a court case and relying on music as my primary method of expression, my voice has been all but snuffed out. My hope is that writing can resurrect it. Dig yourself, Lazarus! Dig!

The struggle between maintaining my authenticity and staying relevant online is exhausting. In general, I march to the beat of my own drum. I don’t chase trends, and I don’t care who likes me or who doesn’t. But I have difficulty reconciling my true self with the need to self-promote in this age of mindless scrolling. Because, like many of us, I’ve become a slave to algorithms that favor pretty pictures of my face over my art/music/words. I feel like the more I show of myself on platforms like Instagram, the more detached I am. I don’t feel heard so I don’t say much. I continue posting pictures of myself to keep up some sort of consistent engagement —since numbers of likes and followers are directly correlated with your value as an ARTIST (bulllllshit), but it’s a pretty soulless way of communicating. Anyway, to bring some balance to this inner conflict, I’m setting the intention of using this platform as a respite; a place for raw, unfiltered expression, where I can engage with my readers as a multi-dimensional, flawed, and genuine human being.

I used to have a strong voice. I was a bit of a loudmouth. I used to speak very candidly in public—in interviews, onstage, online. No topic was off-limits; I was always an open book. My polarizing personality aligned with my music. I could be called a lot of things, but “middle of the road” wasn’t one of them. I pushed boundaries, shamelessly called it like I saw it, and unabashedly spoke of my experiences. I was true to myself.

Then, last year, I was taken to court over my words and the truthful telling of my story. Interviews, record reviews, and my lyrics were cited as evidence of defamation. The dude who filed the claim didn’t seem to understand that the truth can’t be defamatory, so the case ended up being rightfully dismissed; even so, the ordeal was traumatic and significantly draining. On one hand, I was empowered by the outpouring of support I received from people. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I wasn’t fighting the fight alone. But, since then, I’ve retreated like a chastised child. I’ve been biting my tongue, too nervous to speak freely and too tired to engage. And consequently, I’ve muzzled myself.

onstage in europe. photo: derek bremner

Now, after more than a year of sitting timidly on the sidelines, I’m back to making a new record and the process has riled up a lot of dormant emotions. Music has always been my cathartic outlet. It’s the primary way I’ve learned to express myself. Through sound and lyrics, I lay bare my most visceral feelings—the good, the bad, and the ugly. However, there’s a limit to what can be conveyed when confined to 3 - 5 minutes and (for the most part) rhyming verse. I’m overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings that require more space than the record can offer. So, this post is my first attempt to communicate more fully, using complete sentences rather than relying on ambiguous lyrics and screeching guitars. I want to write. I want to tell you things. I want to make sense of myself and reclaim my voice.

How am I doing so far?

Ooof, this is tough.

c u next tuesday.

xx CARRÉ