When we resolve to never be the same and get worse, it's still change isn't it. What's the LOL for not funny? Just cry. Let yourself cry and let yourself let it go. Your grief. Don't worry it will
I hope your grief journey is healing. I’m going to LA for the GRAMMYS for the first time and it’s bittersweet. I see so many stories of people working together- strangers and loved ones alike. The human spirit is strong and man is at his best when things are at their worst. I hope it touches hearts enough to see empathy grow like a lotus. 🪷
I think especially in American society we’re further traumatized by not being allowed or should I say expected to not feel our grief and go on with business as usual.
This is such a beautifully written post... straight from the heart and wise beyond measure.
You have had a lot of loss in your life, Carre -- some of it rather crushing. Your strength and resilience have served to carry you through, but maybe you're right --the grief and pain have never been resolved.
I think we also avoid identifying too closely with those who have lost everything. (I was reading a lot about LA artists who had studios and houses that burnt to the ground, losing not only their domiciles but their life's work and very identity) Maybe distancing is a way of assuring ourselves this could never happen to us. But the floods in NC, the hurricanes in FL, and the tornadoes in OK should prove that climate change is indiscriminate and unnatural disasters can and will keep happening in expected and unexpected places. It's almost too much to bear.
As an older person, I feel so sad and guilty that this seems to be a harbinger of a future that I won't live to see. What a tragic start for 2025 (and then there's January 20 to look forward to....)
Thank you. I think, at a certain point, we do what we must just to survive. And sometimes that means disassociating and detaching from pain. But it catches up to us. Just like what we've done to the planet has caught up to us. These natural disasters are great equalizers in a way. Reminders that none of us are immune to tragedy, loss, death, etc. Unfortunately, the realization that we are "all in this together" on this one planet still does nothing to unite us. We are more divided than ever.
I'm sorry Carré! Even though you're not not living there, I know that feels, still, like an incredible loss. Loss of history and nostalgia. Loss of beloved locations like studios, past workplaces, and friends' homes and businesses. Loss of the land and the wildlife. It's a lot. I imagine I would feel the same about where I grew up. I know I always do when I see the floods in West Virginia almost every year. Grief is weird. I always feel selfish when I (try to) grieve. I feel like I am being a burden on those around me if I take the time to feel and process emotion or happenstance. Everyone expects us all to dive head first into normalcy after trauma- big or small. My father died when I was 18. I took 3 days off of college classes, which had just started 3 weeks prior, and 5 days off of my part-time food service job so that I could help with and attend the service arrangements and spend time (a day) with my mom and brothers. I was too scared not to immediately get back into my daily life so I would "get depressed" about my dad. (Kid logic.) Went back to my History class the day after the burial and was given an exam- I explained that my father had died suddenly and I hadn't noticed there was an exam and I asked to be excused and take it the following week. I was denied, with the professor stating, "That's unfortunate, but you have a syllabus outlining the course topics each week and could've prepared or just stayed home and taken a makeup exam." I then asked if I could instead leave and was also denied as he said it was unfair treatment to my classmates who were in attendance and had studied the content. I just stood there at his desk for probably 10 seconds trying to process those words. I then walked out and decided to take a fail for that exam. (Still passed the course.) I already had little faith in humanity due to shit I'd be through as a child and I was at the lowest point of my life at that time and here was this man giving me a cold reminder that no one cares and life goes on. Not that literally NO one cares, of course, but it's a very common and acceptable thing for us all to overlook what others are going through and reinforce the illogical idea that we don't need to or we can't grieve. I still haven't grieved the loss and it shows in my life every day. I still haven't thrown away his clothing. I have it all in totes in my garage because my mother wouldn't keep it any longer. It's been 20 years. I'm not sure I would even know how to begin at this point, though. It always feels excessive and I don't like loss of control. Therapy is....not for me, it's what I do for others and that has jaded me. A lot of people won't even attempt therapy or come more than 3-4 times as they find the process of unraveling those traumas too exhausting. Because it is absolutely exhausting. It may be why we avoid it for ourselves and seem to try and push others into the same mindset.
Wow, this is so intense. I appreciate you sharing something so personal. I had a similar experience in college with a professor when I was going through a traumatic time surrounding a death. She basically accused me of making excuses. We are so ill equipped to know how to deal with the death of our loved ones and our own eventual death. Our society has made us feel like death is something we shouldn't talk about because it's too depressing or "dark." It's a morose, off-limits topic that shouldn't be brought up in conversation. It's uncomfortable. As a result, we don't have any idea of how to cope. We don't want to burden others or be a buzz kill, so we stuff down our feelings and hope they will eventually go away. I'm learning that they don't...
I relate to your feelings around therapy. I've had a lot of therapy in my lifetime and 90% of it didn't do jack shit except wear me out and make me feel hopeless. But the 10% that did me good, REALLY made a difference. Problem is, it's hard and expensive to find a great therapist who you can trust and who "gets" you. Especially now that its become such a "business." Furthermore, very few people have the time or money to spend rehashing and examining every single trauma and life event. And I don't think that's even necessary, to be honest. It feels excessive, too daunting, and too draining of a process to opt into and pay copious amounts of money towards. Right now, I'm learning more about specific grief work and hoping to find an alternative way of addressing specific losses in my life that doesn't involve paying someone hundreds of dollars an hour to tell them every detail of my life story. I'm just like, go read my substack. hahaha
As I have been dealing with my father's passing a year and a half ago & struggling to grieve in some sort of "healthy" way, this line you wrote hit me hard & I feel relates to me: "Grief doesn't disappear just because we ignore it. It smolders beneath the surface, turning into resentment and apathy."
While I have been trying to manage my grief, oftentimes feeling like it's a futile effort, I have been finding that when I do try to set it aside it does create that resentment. I have also been finding that it has amped up my empathy to new levels foreign to me. Watching the news and all the chaos in this world...I feel intense feelings and get a sense of helplessness and impotence and I just cry. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep dealing with all these feelings. And now seeing all the L.A. fires raging and the loss of life and lives they're causing, it breaks my heart at every step.
One thing that is a sliver of hope & good, is that I don't feel that alone in dealing with & managing all these emotions. Especially when reading your posts and what all you share. We can all be a "hot mess" together and not feel alone in the struggle.
Thanks for sharing this, Juan. You made a really good point about heightened empathy that I didn't think of before. I also seem to be at the verge of tears very often and easily cry whenever I hear or see something on the news or on social media that's upsetting. Maybe I'm actually experiencing heightened empathy too. Or, perhaps, I'm projecting my unresolved pain onto every sad situation I'm exposed to --to the point of it being unbearable. Maybe that's why I try to avoid emotional experiences, because I'm afraid as soon as I open myself up to feeling too much, I'll be overwhelmed and drown.
When we resolve to never be the same and get worse, it's still change isn't it. What's the LOL for not funny? Just cry. Let yourself cry and let yourself let it go. Your grief. Don't worry it will
So well written Carre - grieve to gain empathy, worth a shot.
Thank you.
I hope your grief journey is healing. I’m going to LA for the GRAMMYS for the first time and it’s bittersweet. I see so many stories of people working together- strangers and loved ones alike. The human spirit is strong and man is at his best when things are at their worst. I hope it touches hearts enough to see empathy grow like a lotus. 🪷
Thanks, Thea. I hope so, too. Safe travels to LA. Can't wait to hear about your experience.
I really can appreciate and relate to this.
I think especially in American society we’re further traumatized by not being allowed or should I say expected to not feel our grief and go on with business as usual.
Thank you for sharing
This is such a beautifully written post... straight from the heart and wise beyond measure.
You have had a lot of loss in your life, Carre -- some of it rather crushing. Your strength and resilience have served to carry you through, but maybe you're right --the grief and pain have never been resolved.
I think we also avoid identifying too closely with those who have lost everything. (I was reading a lot about LA artists who had studios and houses that burnt to the ground, losing not only their domiciles but their life's work and very identity) Maybe distancing is a way of assuring ourselves this could never happen to us. But the floods in NC, the hurricanes in FL, and the tornadoes in OK should prove that climate change is indiscriminate and unnatural disasters can and will keep happening in expected and unexpected places. It's almost too much to bear.
As an older person, I feel so sad and guilty that this seems to be a harbinger of a future that I won't live to see. What a tragic start for 2025 (and then there's January 20 to look forward to....)
Thank you. I think, at a certain point, we do what we must just to survive. And sometimes that means disassociating and detaching from pain. But it catches up to us. Just like what we've done to the planet has caught up to us. These natural disasters are great equalizers in a way. Reminders that none of us are immune to tragedy, loss, death, etc. Unfortunately, the realization that we are "all in this together" on this one planet still does nothing to unite us. We are more divided than ever.
I'm sorry Carré! Even though you're not not living there, I know that feels, still, like an incredible loss. Loss of history and nostalgia. Loss of beloved locations like studios, past workplaces, and friends' homes and businesses. Loss of the land and the wildlife. It's a lot. I imagine I would feel the same about where I grew up. I know I always do when I see the floods in West Virginia almost every year. Grief is weird. I always feel selfish when I (try to) grieve. I feel like I am being a burden on those around me if I take the time to feel and process emotion or happenstance. Everyone expects us all to dive head first into normalcy after trauma- big or small. My father died when I was 18. I took 3 days off of college classes, which had just started 3 weeks prior, and 5 days off of my part-time food service job so that I could help with and attend the service arrangements and spend time (a day) with my mom and brothers. I was too scared not to immediately get back into my daily life so I would "get depressed" about my dad. (Kid logic.) Went back to my History class the day after the burial and was given an exam- I explained that my father had died suddenly and I hadn't noticed there was an exam and I asked to be excused and take it the following week. I was denied, with the professor stating, "That's unfortunate, but you have a syllabus outlining the course topics each week and could've prepared or just stayed home and taken a makeup exam." I then asked if I could instead leave and was also denied as he said it was unfair treatment to my classmates who were in attendance and had studied the content. I just stood there at his desk for probably 10 seconds trying to process those words. I then walked out and decided to take a fail for that exam. (Still passed the course.) I already had little faith in humanity due to shit I'd be through as a child and I was at the lowest point of my life at that time and here was this man giving me a cold reminder that no one cares and life goes on. Not that literally NO one cares, of course, but it's a very common and acceptable thing for us all to overlook what others are going through and reinforce the illogical idea that we don't need to or we can't grieve. I still haven't grieved the loss and it shows in my life every day. I still haven't thrown away his clothing. I have it all in totes in my garage because my mother wouldn't keep it any longer. It's been 20 years. I'm not sure I would even know how to begin at this point, though. It always feels excessive and I don't like loss of control. Therapy is....not for me, it's what I do for others and that has jaded me. A lot of people won't even attempt therapy or come more than 3-4 times as they find the process of unraveling those traumas too exhausting. Because it is absolutely exhausting. It may be why we avoid it for ourselves and seem to try and push others into the same mindset.
Wow, this is so intense. I appreciate you sharing something so personal. I had a similar experience in college with a professor when I was going through a traumatic time surrounding a death. She basically accused me of making excuses. We are so ill equipped to know how to deal with the death of our loved ones and our own eventual death. Our society has made us feel like death is something we shouldn't talk about because it's too depressing or "dark." It's a morose, off-limits topic that shouldn't be brought up in conversation. It's uncomfortable. As a result, we don't have any idea of how to cope. We don't want to burden others or be a buzz kill, so we stuff down our feelings and hope they will eventually go away. I'm learning that they don't...
I relate to your feelings around therapy. I've had a lot of therapy in my lifetime and 90% of it didn't do jack shit except wear me out and make me feel hopeless. But the 10% that did me good, REALLY made a difference. Problem is, it's hard and expensive to find a great therapist who you can trust and who "gets" you. Especially now that its become such a "business." Furthermore, very few people have the time or money to spend rehashing and examining every single trauma and life event. And I don't think that's even necessary, to be honest. It feels excessive, too daunting, and too draining of a process to opt into and pay copious amounts of money towards. Right now, I'm learning more about specific grief work and hoping to find an alternative way of addressing specific losses in my life that doesn't involve paying someone hundreds of dollars an hour to tell them every detail of my life story. I'm just like, go read my substack. hahaha
As I have been dealing with my father's passing a year and a half ago & struggling to grieve in some sort of "healthy" way, this line you wrote hit me hard & I feel relates to me: "Grief doesn't disappear just because we ignore it. It smolders beneath the surface, turning into resentment and apathy."
While I have been trying to manage my grief, oftentimes feeling like it's a futile effort, I have been finding that when I do try to set it aside it does create that resentment. I have also been finding that it has amped up my empathy to new levels foreign to me. Watching the news and all the chaos in this world...I feel intense feelings and get a sense of helplessness and impotence and I just cry. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep dealing with all these feelings. And now seeing all the L.A. fires raging and the loss of life and lives they're causing, it breaks my heart at every step.
One thing that is a sliver of hope & good, is that I don't feel that alone in dealing with & managing all these emotions. Especially when reading your posts and what all you share. We can all be a "hot mess" together and not feel alone in the struggle.
Thanks for sharing this, Juan. You made a really good point about heightened empathy that I didn't think of before. I also seem to be at the verge of tears very often and easily cry whenever I hear or see something on the news or on social media that's upsetting. Maybe I'm actually experiencing heightened empathy too. Or, perhaps, I'm projecting my unresolved pain onto every sad situation I'm exposed to --to the point of it being unbearable. Maybe that's why I try to avoid emotional experiences, because I'm afraid as soon as I open myself up to feeling too much, I'll be overwhelmed and drown.
You're definitely not alone. XX